Ambassador Francis Muthaura: Go Home in Peace I Beg

Dear Muthaura,

It is an hour and a half before tomorrow. I need to be in bed so that I can wake up early for Church service. John Piper is preaching and I don’t plan to miss. By the way do you know him? I know you have no Idea. He wrote “Desiring God” and has been my inspiration on Reformed Theology. Anyway, before I go to bed, I beg to respond to a dear friend, ambassador Francis Muthaura.

Boy, it is not that i dislike you or anything – rather it is your consistent effort to destroy Kenya that draws my attention to you. I am sure you must have noticed that the past few weeks, when you were on medical vacation in South Africa, Kenya has experienced some unususual peace since you took the office of “Head of Public Service and Secretary to the cabinet.” It has not been absolutely peaceful as such – I know there are a few idiots who have been beating their wives and kids and also a quite a few brawls in the local watering holes. But these are neither here nor there.

Oh yes, and Ruto and his lieutenants have been spoiling for war in your absence just has he would do in your presence – this Ruto is unbwogable, you know! He believes that he is a saint and that since his name is not patented, every evil that goes with the name must be the devil incarnate’s scheme and not his.

Oh yes, and Moi too has been lecturing us on good governance and peace. My response to the old man is as good as you may guess! Recently, I overheard of how he ordered the torture and even sanctioned the death of certain Kenyans. Moi, will you shut up in the interim, as I think of what I should do with you – you make me sick. Much has been said but more remains that if I added them to this minute chronicles, I would injure my readers – they won’t love your stupid folktales, you know! Yours is a book to study – just wait!

Sorry I digressed, ambassador Muthaura. Notice that I have even embraced the american spelling (ambassador, instead of the traditional ambassadour) to address you. It is because of the tyranny of the urgent – I mean I have limited time but your recent proclamation demands that I respond to you with immediacy and haste.

It is recorded in the East African Standard newspaper dated Sunday, 23rd August 2009 that, and I quote: “I will be back in office on September 1.” Mr. ambassador, sir, I beg that you keep off. I honestly and deeply sympathize with your recent state of physical discomfiture, and like any other human being, I have always wished you a quick recovery. But I must confess that I have never wished your return to the Kenyan public service. Sir, your name is a nightmare to me, among many others. Your reign has been nothing else but anarchy. Through your leadership we have witnessed national disunity and chaos. When you went for your medical retreat (which was long overdue according to some stupid scribe) we experienced peace like never before.

Even the gods of rain smiled on us and beloved Kenya has been receiving some considerable amounts of rainfall – though not enough to refill our dams yet. This is my urgent concern sir. You recovered to soon. You should have allowed us to harvest enough rain water to get us going for a while. This is not vendetta sir, but even if it were, I would feel nothing for you for a myriad Kenyans have died in your watch as the de facto leader of the civil service of the sovereign Republic of Kenya.

If you think I am mistaken, take an inventory of the steps of our beloved MK, the eternal friend of Lucy Muthoni. Since you left he has been hanging out with the boys, albeit responsibly. In his words: “I mean” the dude has made considerably reasonable utterances in comparison to some other nonsense I have heard him say since the day we first swore him in as the commander in Chief in January 2003 – His inauguration speech was the only reasonable thing he ever read to us. Since then he has been utmost, incomprehensible and confused. All these, it is said, is because he kept your company. Sir, I say this without batting an eyelid and if it makes you feel bad, you may return to SA or just hang. I am sure quite a few demagogues will miss you – but most importantly, in the words of my teacher Mr. Nyawanda aka Otosh Obash, “the sun will still rise in the East and set in the West.” Life will go on as it has always, even best, without you.

My bad! I keep derailing – I’m sure I’d make a very bad speaker – that is why I am not one yet. Now back to the activities of Mwai while you were away. Ambassador, I am just reminded of some of the things we used to do when we were young. We would keep an eye and made an inventory of the activities of our siblings and reported to our parents when they returned. Actually we never reported – we just used the evidence as some coercive weapons for getting them to do us favours. Not so much in the verisimilitude, sir, I will tell you of the activities of baba Jimmy while you were gone. I believe you recognised him when he visited you in Nairobi Hospital on the day you were allegedly admitted. A good friend indeed – and I am sure he still is. Your question should be “Are you a good friend in return?”

Well, when you left, you left a void that could not be easily filled. I mean, no other idler like you could draw closer to MK. But some interesting character (I know the mention of his name makes you sick) Mr. Tinga aka Aguambo got some leeway and made friends with your friend baba Judy. In your absence they invited each other home and did many things that I choose not to mention in this mail. You see I care for your feelings. But to satisfy your curiosity, they ate fish together – nowhere else but at Kapoda farm in Bondo. If you think I am lying ask Gumo, he was there. Nyong’o was there too, but I know you won’t trust him – that dude is too sly even for me – though secretly, I admire him. You know when I grow up someday, I would love to be, not an ambassador like you, but a professor. No offense intended, I just digressed again and I am genuinely sorry.

Mr. Muthaura sir, these dudes spent so much time together doing stuff I couldn’t imagine. They even incorporated Stephen, I mean Kalonzo Musyoka into their gang. They went around dishing food together, ploughing farms and launching projects of unprecedented magnitude. Oh boy, my friend Raoul Kayebo once told me that “boys don’t play together forever” but I tell you to ignore him for when boys play together sometimes peace seems inevitable. What my eyes failed to believe is that both of these guys left behind their wives. Lucy was missing in action and so was min Arosie, I mean Ida, the mother of Rosemary and Winnie. On some particular day, Raila Odinga had a tractor race with William Somoei Ruto at the watch of you pals Bako, Steven and UK. It was hilarious. You missed it dude – even Kalonzo became a commentator that day!

Mr. ambassador, I hope I am not boring you with these tales. But even if I were, I have told you before that I care less as long as you know that this is not some fairy tale like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. These things happened live. There has been considerable progress in the way this government has been operating. It may be too premature to judge the outcome but these few weeks have been a relief from political bickering, especially about the stupid things you do and don’t do.

It doesn’t mean that all has been perfect. Lemmie just give you a glimpse of the dirty part. This man Ruto and his previous darling have been gradually falling apart. I am not sure where the main problem lies. Some say it is this MAU thing. Some say it is the Hague/tribunal story. While others say it is UK brewing the trouble – that Uhuru is seducing Ruto (I first met that word in Onjiko High while I was a form one. A prefect by the name Felix Okendo asked me if I had ever seduced a girl. I won’t tell you the answer now. But why Uhuru and Ruto yawa? Kwani they are gay?). Aha! Arrggggggggh. I am saying too much, I am sure you have been reading the same from the Newspapers just like I too have.

Honestly, ambassador Muthaura, if you are indeed one of the reasons why Kenya must be unstable then i’d rather you don’t be! Now you see why your reported claim of a big come back gives me malaria (without mosquito bites)! I shudder at your perilous potential. I don’t know what you smoke with my grandpa Baks, but whatever it is, brother, it is lethal. That dude does not think whenever you are around. You see, recently he declared that apart from him, the only other person who rules Kenya is Tinga. He even told all the other ministers to assume compliance forthwith. Now, I don’t know whether you or your doctor cared to inform him that you would be back so soon because most of all you used to do, which is constitutionally the PM’s responsibility has been redirected to the rightful constitutional office holder – aka, Scarecrow Raila Amolo Odinga.

So when you say that you are returning to office, especially when the whole WORLD understands that you are way past your retirement, I get goose bumps. I sometimes do the not so honourable – wetting of my pants because of my fears of you” What you have done, can do an would do. I still recall that there are people in Kisumu, some known to me in person, who died of bullet wounds, inflicted from the back by police. And you know what – all evidences seems to point to you and your bureaucracy – the orders and the engineering of the same thereof, t shoot and kill originated from your advice. yes, you and Michuki. I fear that my grandpa, who is close to you in age – he is just a mere 84 (young compared to Moi) has been retired since eternity, and you still insist on holding on to the reigns, is leaving you in the civil service alone. By the way, can you send an sms? I admit, my grandpa cannot but you see he is not superman like you. He has no murder record either – I admire his experience and innocence. And you: What do your grandchildren say or even think of you? their silence, if any does not imply wholesome agreement on the Kenyan’s side. We just don’t want you Muthaura. Please go away in peace, or else we will force you out by whatever means possible! We will. I mean we will. Kwenda kabisa. Go! Go! Go! My friends just graduated and they need something to do. Please go! Nyachae went, who are you? If you refuse, we will say impreccatory prayers against you! Ask King David of the Old Testament – he made them and they were effective.

** Moi and the Nyayo era, read torture chambers. What is his legacy? Coming next.
** Also, trying the perpetrators of the Post-election violence – I mean the local tribunal is a good thing. But not before we try those who rigged the elections. Ha ha.. just the same story, the chicken and the egg, which came first?

**Finally, I love you Muthaura but you must not return to haunt us. Please keep off.

**By the way, Gitobu Imanyara is breathing fire and Occampo is with him. When you go, do leave behind Evan Gicheru, Amos Wako, Aaron Ringera and Commissioner Ali. Please, also tell your age mate Moi to keep quiet. He is not out of the hoods yet! He is no saint either and I am personally coming for him. Yes me, humble Kidha, I am coming!